This Stinks

I called the nurses line today at my OB's office to schedule my well-woman exam, since she wanted to see me after my cycle. I also need to go in for some blood work that I mentioned earlier, to check for some clotting disease she doesn't think I have.

Of course the first available appointment is 2! days after my due date. This really sucks. I was so hoping they had something next week, just to get it over with.

The wonderful nurse (I'm NOT being sarcastic, she really is!) told me my doc. finally got the autopsy results back and finished looking them over. She is going to call me tonight.

We were supposed to have received them last Thursday so she could talk to us at my 6 week appt., but the lab's fax machine was down, of course. She called Thursday night from her car on the way home, and told us they still weren't received. She was going out of town Friday, so she would call Monday. Well, Monday rolled around, and when she didn't, I assumed there was a delay again. I guess a hard copy finally got sent, all 16 pages according to the nurse, and she has had time to review them.

It's kinda weird that my poor Henry's life is boiled down to 16 pages. 16 pages in which, somewhere, I am hoping there is some sort of answer that will help us feel better. Is this possible? Would it be better to know something, or to assume it was just a "freak" accident? I don't know. I am torn. I don't know what to pray for right now. I just want peace. I want to not be scared during my next pregnancy. I want answers and I don't. Will anything we find out about Henry really make me less scared next time? Probably not.

The doc. did say we were only really waiting on the lab results. Henry's body was perfect. Infection or virus or something are the only real options left as to why my baby didn't live beyond 30 weeks.

What do I hope for??? Infection? Something I could do nothing about, can't prevent in the future? I don't know.

I will post when I know something.

P.S. I said I would be on here complaining, so here it goes. This cycle is so not like normal!!! The first day, I thought, o.k. this isn't bad........then WHAM! Day 2 I went ahead and took an 800 mg Ibuprofen left over from my D&C in August, and last night I almost took a Darvoset the doc. sent home with me after Henry was born. This morning I experienced HEAVY in a whole new way. Sorry if TMI, but Oh My! The nurse asked how it was going, and laughed when I said I thought it wasn't going to be too bad. She said that's your body showing you, since you thought that. According to her, all's normal though. She really is REALLY NICE. I doesn't hurt that she just had a baby a few months ago. Familiar territory and all.