Boiling Point

I've been so blue lately. A lot of Henry on my mind.

It's weird how just when you think you're doing well, it hits you out of the blue, and really hard. Anyone else feel this way? Cried myself to sleep the other night, which thankfully I haven't done in a while. Just weird how it bubbles up. Little things trigger it, add up, and then I hit my boiling point.

Innocent words put together in an innocent order. Something so simple, and the feelings start to overwhelm. Memories, and pain from the realization that some of the memories are fuzzy.

I have to stop the what ifs. They don't help, but they keep sneaking in. I just really feel like I should have known something was wrong. I did suspect it, but ignored my "mother's intuition." I get so mad at myself.

Maybe I could have saved him. That's what haunts me. That's the one I can't let go.

It's overwhelming sometimes to realize this will be with me forever. I will always grieve my little boy. ALWAYS.

Is is it awful that sometimes I wish I could forget? And then other times I get so upset that somethings are fuzzy?

I am very much aware of how precious my time with Kate is. I want to soak it in. I told hubs last night, while Kate was laughing, smiling, and talking to us, that I wish I could bottle it. Or freeze time. I know this won't last forever, and it makes me so sad. I wonder what Henry would have sounded like, or looked liked when he smiled. Makes me appreciate Kate even more.

I can't get enough of her. Our babies are such a gift. Every new stage she gets to, I think, "this is the best age. This right here!" I hope it continues that way. (when she's 14? I don't know. :)

I know this post is a little "all over the place," but that's where my mind is lately. Just had to get some stuff out.